I can barely see through my tears. As I just put my sweet Elle down to sleep for a nap - I found myself sobbing on her shoulder for the sister she has that none of us have met. I have just been told, as I try to make medical plans for when AnaLei's arrives home, that she most likely has a 99% chance of being inoperable. We were told this by medical professionals that we have the upmost trust in. What does a mother do with kind of news? I have the head knowledge of that fact, but my heart refuses to accept it. As a believer, I struggle with the prayer - "God I know you can do ANYTHING and I know that you can heal this precious baby, but also help me accept that you may choose not to on this earth". I can only type it, but not get it out loud of my mouth. At this moment, I am broken. I am broken yet also feel this rage at this ugly world in which we live and I cling to the Savior that has saved us from it. I feel this fierce person coming out inside of me to bring my baby home and pray that as God strengthens my heart - he softens those of others that will make the decision on whether or not to expedite our adoption. You know, as a single ventricle patient, Olivia is said to have "half a heart" yett she is full of life. Well, my newest daughter has a 1% chance, according to those that have read her file, of long-term survival (I don't know what that means exactly - if she can't be operated on I am not sure what her life expectancy is). Will you pray with me? Will you meet me in front of the Father who created her in her mother's womb? Will you kindly pray for God's will for her life and strength for her as she comes home to 1000 medical tests. Pray for our family as we embark on a journey that God is leading us on. I know some people reading this believe we have put "ourselves in this position". Believe me, there is no where I'd rather be that in the middle of where God wants me - even if it's a journey I would not have chosen for myself.
I feel broken hearted, I feel over-joyed for the love of my 2 girls here now that are full of life, and I feel honored that our family, including our 2 beloved girls, that God is entrusting all of us with this new precious girl. She is special - no doubt about it. God's plan may be different than mine and currently I'm not sure that I'm okay with that, but I'm praying that He prepare us for the journey He has put us on.
Prayerfully yours,
Julie
This same grim prognosis has been given time and time again to many families adopting CHD children from China. In a handful of cases, it turned out to be true (including in one of children's cases). Sometimes, a door opens which allows for a much different outcome. In some cases, there is nothing operable which can be done. But in those cases, children can have years and years of quality life! And in several cases that I know of, the children were then (after a few years), able to have interventions that previously did not exist. Regardless of the ultimate outcome, in the meantime you will have a daughter that you love who will bloom and thrive within the love of your family. Never give up hope! What you hope for may alter with time and circumstance, but never stop finding something to reach for!
ReplyDeleteJulie, I sat here reading and the thing that shined through the most was LOVE and desire to honor the Father. I can't fathom what you are amidst processing and digesting right now. So many unknowns. But most important, like Andrea mentioned...There is always hope. These three things remain...Faith, hope and love. Hang tight in the coming days and months to Gods truth. Your hearts desire is so clear in what you've shared...It's to please the Lord and follow Him. It's such a beautiful thing. He will guide you and continue to be near. I will continue to pray for you all.
ReplyDeleteRobin